Uniqlo Unveils New Anti-Peanuts/Fuck-Schulz Campaign

Uniqlo today will unveil its Anti-Schulz (Charles M. Schulz, Beloved creator of the much adored Peanuts Comics of the 1950's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's and 2000's) line of clothing, accessories and dead animals. Featuring Brooklyn-based KAWS, who is considered to be one of the most irrelevant artists of his generation and of all time.

The Uniqlo Corporation, in a statement by Chairman Tadashi Yanai, announced the the campaign, "Seventy five years ago, a landing occurred that should have secured our dominance in the Second World War and one man ... one man alone, spoiled our time of greatness. That man was Charles Schulz." He was referring to the Japanese forces under which Admiral Kiyohide Shima (Chairman Yanai's grandfather) had made an unopposed landings on Tulagi and therefore, an opening to the Battle of the Coral Sea. "The Coral Sea was the key!!!" Chairman Yanai exclaimed. "Now we take our revenge."

Uniqlo alleges that Mr. Schulz was the mastermind in defeating the Imperial Navy in the Pacific campaign during WWII. Records show that Mr. Schulz was drafted into the United States Army in February of 1943 where he served as a staff sergeant with the 20th Armored Division in Europe. Schulz said, "That he only had one opportunity to fire his machine gun but forgot to load it. Fortunately, he said, the German soldier he could have fired at willingly surrendered."

"We do not believe such a bull-shit story," Mr. Yanai explained, "It was a coverup, as well as was the entire Peanuts series. Schulz was a ruthless killer with no honor, hiding behind that stupid dog. Notice how there's never been an Asian character? It's because he hated us ... he want us all dead! Now children all over the world will be playing with his stupid dead dog!"

Former Uniqlo spokesperson, world-renowned musician and music producer Pharrell Williams, was shocked by the events. "I fucking love Snoopy, Woodstock & the gang ... Lucy, not so much! But WTF?!?"

When asked about his involvement in the campaign, irrelevant artist, KAWS, simply replied, "But I just thought that everyone wanted to kill themselves."