Proper Deadlift Technique Is Conspicuously Similar to Gay Handbook's Guide To Bottoming ... yes

Due to the crude adult content and sexual (ankle-grabbing, muscle-engorging, rectal-penetrating) nature of this article, reader discretion is advised and locking-up your children is greatly encouraged ... in general.

In a report today, released by the National Institute of Health and Human Development (NIHHD), studies showed the striking commonality of the technical instructions of how to perform a proper Deadlift, often referred to as the "Mother of all Exercises" and Taking it up the Ass, often referred to as "Fucking Awesome!"

The study indicated that most men have a Love-Hate relationship with the deadlift, as do most gay men with bottoming during anal sex. Reports show both groups love it because it builds total-body strength and muscle awareness, sending tingling sensations throughout their beings, releasing copious amounts of testosterone and making them feel tantalized and empowered like no other movement or experiences can. Studies also showed that they hate it due to the fact that many variables can go terribly wrong, terribly quickly. Both require a team effort from hundreds of muscles to engage, as well as requiring a full mobility of ankles, hips, upper back, glutes, colon and anal cavity. Close attention to form must be observed in order to do both safely and effectively whilst maintaining a neat & tidy rump to avoid injury and embarrassment.

The basic principles of the deadlift and bottoming guidelines:

1) Feet and heels firmly planted hip-width apart, inline with the hips, asscheeks spread.

2) Hips hinge aft, engaging gluteus maximus and hamstrings for stabilization, for a rough pounding.

3) Shoulders pulled back, traps stabilizing, for something to hold on to.

4) Head inline with the spine, don’t look up, don’t look down, sometimes over the shoulder is ok.

5) Breathe, oxygen is the key to endurance, and relaxation of the sphincter.

6) Don't round your back, denies clear and easy access.

Scientific Director of the Institute, Dr. Constantine Rudèpald Bianchi, further revealed the similarities from personal experiences recounted by case studies. Simply by interchanging certain words of their accounts, Dr. Bianchi surmised the similarities.

For instance, should one replace the words: Deadlift with Bottom, Pull with Fuck, Bar with Dick or Cock, one would clearly see startling results.

"Hi. My name is Eric and I have a problem. I never expected it and I didn't plan for it. It just happened. And now, I'll never be the same. Hardly a minute passes when I don't think about it, salivate, and get the shivers. My own grandmother cringes in fright when she even hears about "it." Yes, folks, I'm a deadlift-aholic Power-bottom. I don't just want to pull fuck; I want to pull fuck every minute of every day for the rest of my life. I dream about grinding out heavy pulls fucks where the bar throbbing dick seemingly bends in half, and I jump at the opportunity to do speed pulls fucks so quickly that I nearly castrate myself with the bar a cock."

Another example given by Dr. Bianchi:

"There is simply no other exercise, and certainly no machine, that produces the level of central nervous system activity, improved balance and coordination, skeletal loading and bone density enhancement, muscular stimulation and growth, connective tissue stress and strength, psychological demand and toughness, and overall systemic conditioning than the correctly performed deadlift ... anal invasion."

Other notable quotes:

"Heavy deadlifts, Deep penetration, making guys shit their pants every day."

"You can keep adding weight, larger cocks and try harder until you finally meet God."

"After a heavy set, pounding, your soul leaves your body temporarily."

"There is no point in being alive if you cannot do a deadlift, or take a dick."

"Your body tightens, hands clenched. Sweat pours from your brow and the blood flows as you Rip it up, rep after rep, stroke after stroke."

"You will sense it; you will be awed by it; and your fellow man will indeed, as he has done for thousands of years, pay you homage and thanks while their wife's away".

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