Hey Hipsters! ... Stop Mucking Up Our Cocktails With Your Pine Needle & Sage Mustache Wax!

A note to all bartenders; when someone asks you for and Old Fashioned, the question you ask them is, "What kind of spirit would you like in that?"

A few weeks ago, I met a friend for cocktails and as i joined him he was rudely (because he didn't wait for me) taking the first sip of his drink that was quickly followed by a sorrowful grimace. I asked him what he was drinking and he responded, "An Old Fashioned but I'm pretty sure this is rye." I asked him what whiskey he had asked for and he said the bartender never asked him. So we called over the mustache sporting, flannel wearing, jeans rolled up mixy-mago and he (Beardy McBeard-face) smugly quipped that "their" Old Fashioned's were made with Bulleit Rye and his mustache wax of the day was lavender-ginger while he limp-wristedly tossed "their" drink menu at us.

I cannot stress this enough ... they're not "anyone's" (besides those who created "them") Old Fashioneds', Martinis', or Manhattans'. They are stand alone drinks that were created ages ago and have stood the test of time because they are F#%king Classics and quite frankly, delicious!

In this day and age when anyone can change anything to their liking, without it making a lick of sense nor adhering to any known definition, like say, a 4-door coupé or a song about irony that lacked any such irony, because they felt the entitled sensation of "making it theirs", to them I have this to say; "It's not yours! ... It's F#%king Not Yours! Your 'quasi-creativity' has no valid justification to support your indignant plagiarism which lacks definitive and historical substance."

If your unique and "wholly" creative take on something merits accolades then name it as such but stop claiming classics as your own. You only showcase your lack of respect for those that came before you.

If you watched the season seven opener of Game of Thrones (who didn't), please note the Citadel scene where Samwell Tarly spoke with the Arch-meister Ebrose about the dire need to get into the restricted area due to the impending march south of the White Walkers. The Arch-meister described the purpose of the citadel as such...

"In the Citadel, we lead different lives ... for different reasons. We are this world's memories, Samwell Tarly. Without us, men would be little better than dogs. Don't remember any meal but the last-can't see forward to any but the next. And every time you leave the house and shut the door they howl like you'll be gone forever..."

Memory, or as some would say, History, is a fundamental piece of our culture and being. Without it we are nothing but dumb clods mucking about, taking credit for things we have no business in doing so and blundering stupidly with careless mistakes.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm a firm believer of creativity and experimentation but not at the cost of history and tradition. Feel free to make up cocktails like the "Bloated Goat Sack" or the ever popular "Screaming Vulva Inversion"... that's bound to get any girl aroused. Just be so good as to unhand our classic cocktails that we've loved and drunk for ages.

I leave you with Meister-bartender Jimmy Hayde's 8 minute Manhattan:

The scene was My Brother's Bar, the oldest continually operating bar in Denver, CO. Jimmy Hayde bartended here for a mere 23 years and had an 8-minute Manhattan (or 10-minute, if the bar is busy). Hayde, who came from a long family line of New York bartenders, said he learned to make this style of Manhattan from his grandfather who was taught by the man who created the cocktail.

This recipe stuck to the traditional ingredients with your choice of bourbon or rye...choice!, sweet vermouth, and Angostura bitters ... but then it took an unconventional turn. Hayde combined the ingredients in a cocktail shaker without ice, stirred and stored the sealed shaker in an ice bath for 8-10 minutes. The result was a boozy, yet elegant cocktail that wasn't watered down in the least.

With the purchase of My Brother's Bar by new owners, Hayde departed ways and it was one of Denver's great losses. I miss the banter, the booze and most of all the history. I can at least take solace whilst sipping on a classic cocktail that has survived the ages and saffron-basil mustache waxes.

Fare thee well Jimmy, you are sorely missed.

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