Darth "Dark Fingers" Vader, Charged With 894 Counts of Sexual Harassment, Empire in PR Nig

Darth Vader is making headlines yet again for reports of sexual harassment in the workplace.

On the 40th anniversary of Star Wars and our introduction to "the Dark Side", chilling details have emerged of the inner workings of the Empire and its top executive. Allegations of sexual harassment have continually plagued the Empire and their use of "The Force" but new accusations have begun to reveal the true magnitude of misconduct.

With construction issues plaguing the new Death Star, it being overwrought with project delays, labor disputes and escalating costs, the Empire is facing a new challenge with its chief operations director, Darth Vader, who is being accused of 894 separate counts of sexual harassment and inappropriate workplace behavior.

Accusations began to pour in after one Suzi Plunkten, an entry level administrator, hired for the DS project, notified her HR department of the suspicious behavior.

Ms. Plunkten alleged that she felt certain sensations whenever Mr. Vader was in the room. "I don't know how to explain it, really, except for that it felt like there was a gentle finger tickling my, you know ... nether regions," she went on to explain, "It didn't feel bad, mind you, he really does seem to have a tantric touch, he must've learned a few thing on Coruscant," Ms. Plunkten winked. "I just don't think that that's appropriate behavior in the workplace."

Governor Wilhuff "Grand Moff" Tarkin is set to once again represent the Empire in this galactic case, defending Mr. Vader, much like he did with the then Senator "Tickle-Me-Tush" Palpatine, aka "The Emperor", in the scandalous Nabooese trial of "A long time ago in a hole far, far away..." Senator Palpatine was cleared of all charges.

"The toughest thing about these cases is the lack of DNA evidence," prosecutor for the plaintiffs, Qui-Gon Cumm Jizz said. "Here we have a former Jedi master with immeasurable skills mishandling himself in a most un-Jedi-like manner. We know that he converted to the Dark Side but this is just unacceptable, it gives us all a bad name"

"Jedi Knights (& former Jedi's) have mastered the craft of telekinesis and entrancement, among countless other highly honed skills that make them the most formidable advisories," Mr. Cumm Jizz explained. "When these skills are applied to the workplace for lewd acts, the workers cease to feel safe in their environment."

Sources close to the investigation have cited that the plaintiffs consist of 37 alien species including male, female and non-gender specific victims. Charges ranged from light brushing and tickling of lymph nodes to groping and five "dark finger" anal penetrations.

"Oh yeah, Dark Fingers had no shame. No one was safe," Death Star chief foreman, Pablian Greebaflob explained. "There are over 1.5 million people on this project, I wouldn't be surprised if that tally of 894 goes up in the next few weeks. We've all had a thumb or two up our bums at least a dozen times."

Mr. Greebaflob continued, "It takes a long time to build a Death Star. Just the permits alone could kill a guy. There's a lot of free time on hand. It's no wonder some hanky-panky went down. I'm not really sure what all's the fuss about." Mr. Greebaflob is not a plaintiff in the case.

Ms. Plankton went on to add, "I knew that working with the Dark Side would have some questionable ethics questions for me, being as such, a god fearing Christian woman but the benefits packages were just to good to pass up. They really do treat their workers well ... dental and everything."

"And I know that blownin' up a whole planet seems pretty extreme to some but "those" people on Alderaan were just awful," Ms. Plunkten added.

When questioned over the situation, Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker didn't seemed surprised at the allegations and had this to say, "Oh yeah, Dad's a perv, we all knew that. I think he spent too much time in Hamburg."

George Lucas had nothing to say.

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