Benevolent Dunce Discovered to Have Fucked Up Time ... "I've Been a Bad Bad Boy"

High above the "Hollywood" sign, in the affluent community of Beachwood Canyon, theoretical astro-physicist, Phillip Klapperich was finally getting to third base with award winning actress Whoopi Goldberg.

"Oh Guinan (the fictional character that Miss Goldberg played in the "Next Generation" series of the Star Trek franchise). I've waited so long for this day. I've loved you ever since you uttered the words, "This is a mistake. Every fiber in my being says, this is a mistake", from the time distortion episode, "Yesterday's Enterprise".

With those words, Miss Goldberg sprang up and screamed, "This is a mistake! Every fiber in my being says, this is a mistake!"

Knowing that things were too good to be true, Professor Klapperich left third base and dashed to his laboratory where he had, in fact, found a distortion in the space-time continuum.

He traced the anomaly to the home of one Archibald Costello, second cousin, once removed from comedy legend, Lou Costello of the comedy duo, Abbott & Costello.

Prof. Klapperich found Mr. Costello in a near catatonic condition. Upon rousing, the professor questioned the rube.

"Have you gone back in time? ... and if so, How ... and Why?!?"

"Ooooooh, I've been a bad bad boy."

"What have you done?"

Mr. Costello had indeed gone back in time and had altered the past, breaking the first rule of time travel. That's why not just any idiot is allowed to hop about the annals of time.

"I saved Obama."

"What do you mean, you saved Obama and how?"

"Ooooooh, I've been a bad bad boy."

"Stop saying that and tell me what and how it happened!"

Mr. Costello had run across the time machine that was used in the 1960 adaptation of H.G. Wells' book "The Time Machine", which was archived in the MGM vault. He was trying to find his late uncle's, once removed, suspenders.

"I got in the time machine to save President-Elect Obama's life. He died in a bowling accident while playing George W."

"What do you mean, bowling accident? How do you die from bowling?!?"

President-elect Barack Obama had in fact been killed in a bowling incident while visiting then President George W. Bush on December 20th, 2008. One month before he was to take office.

"His ball came shooting up through the ball retriever and crushed his head. It was a bad bad thing."

Most know that disgraced former president, Richard "tricky-dick" Nixon had reinstalled a one lane bowling alley under the driveway leading to the North Portico of the White House. What most do not know is that he had had a spring loaded ball retriever system installed to activate when the first Democratic president tried to bowl on his lanes.

"Are you saying that Nixon posthumously killed Pres. Obama and you went back in time and saved him?"

"Yessir, I took that bowling ball to the chest. I'd do it again but ya know, life was better back then."

"What do you mean, better?"

"Well, ya see, President Biden wasn't too bad, except for all the groping charges that lead to his resignation. Then President Hillary Clinton was shot at her inauguration. President Pelosi was smarter and got sworn in inside but she got killed too. After all that, President Kucinich did a really good job until he was abducted by aliens. I just thought the world would be better if Obama was running stuff ... didn't know that it would be worse. I've been a bad bad boy."

Prof. Klapperich understood that humanity was living in an alternate time-line and that things needed to be corrected. However benevolent Mr. Costello's intentions were and the resulting tragedy, time needed to be put back onto its natural course.

"We need to go back and stop you. Where's the time-machine?"

"Ooooooooh, I've been a bad bad boy."

"WHAT? Where's the time machine?"

The time-machine had been dismantled and sold for scraps after the catastrophic bomb of Ryan Reynolds' "Green Lantern". The studio sold 99% of its archives due to that monumental cellophane turd. Professor Klapperich was distraught by two puzzles:

"How do we get back in time to correct your blunder and how the hell did that bowling machine know that President Obama was a Democrat?"

Mr. Costello only had this to say. "He was black."

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