The Game of Chess Deemed RACIST! Spirit of Pansexual "Pop" Artist Andy Warhol & Liza (

Editor's Note: This is an awful article. Don't waste your time reading it.

Late Wednesday night, The Fédération Internationale des Échecs FIDE (translated as International Chess Federation or World Chess Federation) admitted that the game of Chess was in fact, racist.

On Monday, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People NAACP filed a discriminatory lawsuit against the FIDE siting the unfairness of the "whities" always getting to go first.

FIDE president, Arkady Dvorkovich (former Russian Deputy Prime Minister) scoffed at the lawsuit and dismissing it as ridiculous because "Of course chess is racist! White is in the right. Much like on the board. Black is ... whatever, that's why they always go second."

The FIDE Board of Directors quickly dismissed Mr. Dvorkovich and called upon Academy Award winning actor and renowned Séance-tist Madam Octavia Spencer to summon the spirits of Andy Warhol and Liza (with a Z...JAZZ hands) Minnelli for spiritual advice.

Mr. Warhol was the first to respond to Madam Octavia's summons; "Of course Chess is racist darling. It's sexist too. Come on, you think there's only one queen on each side? Oh honey, there are tons of queens on that board but no women.

Madam Spencer went on to conjure the spirit of Liza (with a Z) Minnelli ... jazz hands

"Who's there? I'm not dead! at least I think I'm not. Oh my god ... am I dead? Is this the afterlife? a press release? Oh my God! What's chess?" ...Jazz hands! JAZZ HANDS!!!"

Mr. Warhol continued "I don't understand black and white. Life's grey. The colours come when you open your eyes ...or have a back room experience at the Temple Bar on Lafayette St. Either way the pieces should be multicolored. As to the order of play ... that's a different thing all together because sometimes sloppy seconds are better than firsts. So who's to say what's better."

Ms Minnelli was spotted roaming Washington Square Park knocking chess boards over and chanting "Black pawns matter!" and "am I dead?" ... jazz hands still blazing.

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