Exclusive LRNtoday Interview With God Part II, "Anal Sex, Adam's Apple, Women's Lib &am

LRNtoday is honored to present "Tea with Fry, an Interview with God, Part II". Part I may be found here.

Stephen Fry (FRY) continues with Part II of this exclusive and rather shocking multi-part interview with God (GOD):

FRY Accredited for the creation of everything, God's list of accomplishments are quite mind bogglingly astonishing and far too great to list here ... so without further ado, I'm truly humbled, once again, to introduce you to the one and only, God.

God Thank you Stephen. It's a pleasure to be here again.

FRY It's a pleasure to have you and thank you for once again joining me. We ended our last chat with you mentioning that you weren't terribly religious.

GOD Yes yes, we can talk about that at another time Stephen. I noticed that you had interviewed Kitty (Satan) and there are a few things that I'd like to address and come clean about. ("Who is this Satan person anyways" can be found here)

FRY But of course God, please do ... come clean about... ?

GOD Ugh, yes, well, first things first. The story of Adam and Eve...

FRY Yes God?

GOD Well ... ehh, brace yourself, it's been altered quite utterly.

FRY Altered? In what way?

GOD In practically every way, Stephen. You'd better pour yourself a triple and stay seated for this one and I recommend that your readers do the same.

FRY Poured and seated. Please do continue, this sounds quite juicy.

GOD Yes, juicy. You could say that. Soooo ... Eve came first.

FRY Pardon?

GOD Man didn't come first (there's some irony). A woman did. I created Eve first.

FRY Say again?

GOD Have a big gulp ... in fact, have two.

For the birth of the human race, I created Eve, a woman before I created Adam, a man. Aren't you happy you're sitting with that triple pour?

FRY Eve came first? (a first)

GOD Yes

FRY I'm at a loss.

GOD Yeah, I get that a lot but nonetheless, it's true. I created Eve first.

FRY So the story of you taking one of Adam's ribs to create Eve is a farce?

GOD Yes. In fact, it's one of the dumbest things that I've ever heard of. If I'd done that then men would have twenty three ribs while women would have twenty four.

FRY One beckons the question (of many), if you didn't take one of Adam's ribs to make Eve, what did you take from Eve to make Adam?

GOD Well ... this is where it gets a bit more interesting. I took Eve's prostate to create Adam.

FRY gulp

GOD Eve had several sexual "spots" so I took a superfluous one and made Adam from it.

FRY You created Adam, the first man, from a sexual part of Eve's?

GOD Yes. An organ that Eve wasn't really using and could do well without, so yes.

Do you need a minute Stephen?

FRY Many, but please elaborate.

GOD I wanted someone to hang out with and do stupid stuff with. A buddy. You know, someone to chum around with.

FRY That doesn't really seem like a valid reason of creation.

GOD What do you know about valid reasons, Stephen? Do you know how serious all this creation and ruling is? Everybody's got to blow off some steam and get goofy. People don't realize just how goofy I am.

FRY Goofy? That's your basis of creating the male sex?

GOD Well, yes ... and for the purpose of procreation, which you lot have absolutely buggered!

FRY How, may I ask, have we buggered it?

GOD You've added 6.5 billion people to the planet in a 150 years! What were you thinking? I specifically made each sex able to be satisfied without the need to impregnate. This is why a woman has a clitoris and a man has a prostate.

FRY Pardon?

GOD Do you need to refill your glass, Stephen?

FRY Yes! Please had me the bottle. Are you implying that mankind was designed to be bisexual?

GOD Yes

FRY I have to admit that I've never been sold on the concept of heterosexuality but then again I'm from Hampstead.

GOD I know you lot up in Hampstead, I've been to a few parties there but don't be mistaken. There are a few that are truly heterosexual (David Duchovny) and a few that are truly homosexual (Turtle O'Toole). The rest of you though, fall into the bisexual category.

FRY Hmm. Interesting. What was the thought pattern for this design?

GOD The design was for when the male species was randy, they'd go off into the bushes and bugger each other. When the females were, they'd have intimate bonding times, which would've kept the population at bay. Also, both would be happier and like each other a hell (which doesn't exist) ... a hell of a lot more.

Who, in their right mind, would think that having ten offspring was an equitable notion? There are two of you. Have two kids, not ten!

FRY I do have to admit that that does seem quite logical.

GOD Of course it's logical, Stephen. Jesus, I'm God. Do you think that I design illogically?

FRY So what went wrong?

GOD Well ... a few things. Firstly, whilst ruling the whole fucking universe, I took my eyes off of you for a moment.

Secondly, I gave Adam the apple so he'd get some smarts because however much fun he was, he was thick as a brick. I thought that by giving him some knowledge, Eve would've been able to tolerate him.

FRY Pardon? ...You ... you gave Adam the apple?

GOD Yes

FRY Not Kitty (Satan) or Eve?

GOD Nope.

FRY Say again?

GOD I gave Adam the damned apple. As I said, he wasn't that bright. I gave him knowledge. Eve already had it and although I made Adam hot as fuck, he was dumb as a box of hair.

FRY So you didn't present a no-win situation like Kitty said?

GOD No! Of course not. That'd be awful.

FRY Kitty must have known that? Why would have she presented it in such a way?

GOD Truth be told, I was hoping that you lot would sort stuff out on your own. Kitty knew that that wasn't going to happen as she'd been monitoring you guys much more closely than I had been. She knew by saying that in her article that I'd be forced to come clean about the whole thing.

FRY wow

GOD Yeah, well, there's that. Let's get through this ...

Thirdly, I left you Eden (Earth ... which isn't fucking flat btw!) It was and is a treasure. I thought for sure that you would've understood that. It's not a disposable toy. I should've left Mary Poppins in charge.

Which brings me to the fourth reason, which mirrors the second reason. Women are the mindful ones. How men have chained them is an abomination. Men aren't really designed to rule. On occasion a good one comes along but they are too few and far between. If they were buggering in the bushes like I'd designed, things would've been a lot better.

FRY My head hurts.

GOD Understandably so, Stephen. This is why I wasn't keen on sharing this information but the time has been long overdue. Let's take a break and continue later. Go back to Hampstead and blow some steam (or other things). We'll continue in part three.

Part III: Here's Some Irony, Women Have Balls & Men are Pussies!

“All character's voices, thoughts and opinions, in this series (even Mr. Fry's) are entirely concocted by the LRNtoday staff... or are they?

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